Life and its relation to the Circle!

Senility begins and middle age ends when descendants outnumber friends. Too early for me to think about middle age and lesser friends but a series of events got me wondering if I was getting there earlier than I am supposed to. With my son away in desh, I was heavily dependent on technology to ensure I stayed in his hippocampus. As most trips to India, this one was heavily planned as well, and I was overtly excited about it but a sudden unfortunate incident brought me back to square one. The last year has been marked by constant changes that have tested me for flexibility of a trapeze artist considering my resistance to change is unpleasant(very mildly put) to me and others around me. The one thing I have admired in a very good friend but hated being put through was to be able to let go of a structure and not have a boundary. Ironically, its the one thing I have come out learning with all of these changes.

My father-in-law that I barely got to spend time with passed away in a month of being bed ridden. I say thank god! Not because I didn't like him but because I liked him. I'd rather see him gone in peace than see him crumble away in pieces. For 13 days S's home was filled with family and well wishers. It was then that I actually behaved like a mom with claws. Fiercely protective about who fed my son and whose hands he was in for a nano second. Babies don't do well with crowds irrespective of how adorable they are otherwise and so he set the expectations right. Day 2 and he just wouldn't let go which I was rather happy about. Introspection exposed me to rather shameful thoughts - they might hurt my son, that goddamn evil eye again, what if... I did indeed turn into the heavy grip shudh desi maa that wants to simulate all possible events in her head and accordingly control them in a crazy anticipation of the event actually happening. Oh its happening now! Anytime now! It's at that precise moment of introspection that I wanted to call up my mom and tell her "I get it!"

While I was under the false impression that I was cold blooded for leaving my son behind with his grandparents, this trip erased all traces of that impression to the last spot - I was hot blooded, not warm, steaming hot like the geyser in Rotorua.

Change is tough to cope with outside of you or within you, if the shifting fluids within me made me feel like I was going to meet Yamraj(not to be confused with Yashraj, of course depending on your taste of movies your reaction could be more or less the same) then ageing parents of your closed ones can make you feel like your parents have suddenly turned into people made of thin delicate glass. He and I used to take those walks up to Kapilatheertham without slowing down to catch a breath but now I catch him pant heavily for a flight of stairs. She used to remember everything right from all the numbers and birthdays in the phone book to zillion mantras she still recites but I did see her pause for a minute the other day over something very trivial. When did my supermom begin to slow down. She still does give me a run for my money for the energy she has to get things done but just a teeny tad bit slower. It's really nothing but starts to become something when you see changes around you - empty chairs, lost voices, re-occupied spaces.

It hurts to watch them not respond to the crowds & the cacophony of the ceremonies. It strains to tell yourself, its ok they've made peace but its paralyzing when you return to find them gone.